Family Matters

Ah Family Matters, the anchor of the TGIF lineup. Without Family Matters giving them a lead in at eight, would Step By Step have been able to stay on the air for like 20 years? I think not. What makes Family Matters differ from other bland family TGIF shows is that what started out as a simple down to earth sitcom about a middle class African-American family in Chicago later turned into a show about that family’s relationship with a 14 year old nerd that lived next door.

When Family Matters started way back in the year of our lord 1990, the show was a average sitcom about a fat ass cop named Carl Winslow who has to deal with his wacky kids (Eddie, Laura, and Judy,) his bitch of a wife Harriet, (seriously all she did in eight years of the show was make bitchy comments to her husband) Harriet’s sister Rachel and her son, and last but not least Carl’s sassy mom. The average plot would be something along the lines of “Eddie changes his report card so he gets all A’s!! Will he tell his parents?! But later in season one, everything changed. We saw the debut of Steve Urkel (played by Jaleel White), a 12 year old kid with a cartoon 1950’s nerd outfit on and a cartoon sounding voice to match who liked to stalk Laura. The character was a big hit with the kinds of people who makeup sitcom studio audience's and it was clear that the world would be seeing more of Steve Urkel.

Normally in a situation (Not THAT situation) like this you would think that the powers at be at Family Matters would see that Urkel was a interesting character, a foil for Carl/Laura and decide to make Urkel a recurring character who would maybe someday make the opening credits. This was the case for the rest of season one which had Urkel pop up a few more times. However at the start of season two of Family, the direction of the show totally changed. Not only was Jaleel White added to the opening credits, but almost every episode of the show revolved around Steve Urkel somehow (“Urkel burns down the restaurant, Urkel does the “Urkel dance” Urkel builds a fucking Urkelbot that fights crime). With the show revolving around Urkel most of the other characters (except for like Carl, Eddie and Laura) seemed to come and go/change into other people as they please.

As the years went on the show started having many sci-fi based storylines. For example Urkel invented a transformation chamber where the nerd could change into different personalities such as Stefan Urkel (A cool version of himself), Bruce Lee Urkel, and we can not forget Elvis Urkel. Steve also created a time travel device called an “Urkpad” (hey better name than IPad). The strange thing about those inventions is that the other characters on the show did not act like Urkel creating those inventions was a big deal. Nor did Urkel become rich and famous for inventing time travel for fucks sake.

Next time I will go over some of the characters on the show one by one. I will also try to get to the bottom of what the hell happened to Judy Winslow.

A last note on Lost.

We just have about 24 hours until the last episode of Lost. With the state of network drama (procedural shows about cops and lawyers and navy people who act like cops and lawyers) this is likely to be the last pop culture moment for network drama for a long time. So what will happen? Will we find out that Clare was really twin autistic sisters in a Clare suit all along? Will Vincent the dog be the one to take down MIB? will MIB get a name? Will we find out why Miles is still alive? Will Ben find out that Jeff Goldblum is dating Alex in real life? We will all know the answers to this tomorrow night when the internet will be yelling about how they messed up the whole series.

The worst way Lost could end

Jack: Oh noes my plan to get us all off this island by putting my hands over my eyes and thinking really hard has not only failed but has killed Jin and Rose

Sawyer: Man you’re a douchebag

Jack Yes… well anyone else have ideas about how to get off/ explode the island?

Hurley: Sorry dude but we all took a vote last night and we are going to hang you dude

Jack…… hmmmmmm that makes me sad but as a man of reason I have to agree with your conclusion.

(The Losties start to hang Jack when a strange figure with a cape on jumps out of the woods)

Strange Figure: Hello castaways before you get rid of that meddlesome! doctor! Would you reprobates like to know the secrets behind this island?

Sawyer: Just spit out whatever you have to say Kal-El….

Strange figure: Silence !! you pop culture insult spouting anti-hero! Kneel before me for I am Debeckalow!! And I am the reason you are all here! You see for years!!! I have tried to gain my rightful place as grand lord dictator of earth!! but the rest of the world!! Was all being a dick and saying” you can’t do that and….”

Kate: So wait you behind this all? The crash? The island? The others? Darma? Greg? The smoke monster?

Debeckalow: I met the smoke monster many years ago in a IRC chat room devoted to furries!!! He shall sit at my right hand when I become grand lord dictator of the world!! Or maybe I will just throw him somewhere in my civil service!!!! Anyway yeah I pretty much did all that evil shit

Jack: Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Debeckalow: because Im evil

Jack : Okay just asking.

Debeckalow: All the evil I did on this island was just a test-run for when Debeckalow strikes the whole world!!! You were all test subjects. See I wanted a annoying male lead doctor, a hot female lead chick, a more dark cajun anti-hero, a big fat guy, and that guy you know who was on Growing Pains.. and Perfect Strangers.. and ER I think.. OH YOU KNOW THAT GUY

Bernard: It is nice to have your work be appreciated

Debeckalow: Now there is nothing that any of you can do to stop me!!!

(the real Locke shows up out of nowhere) Locke: Hey guys when I was dead I had a dream where Mr. Eko showed up and said that I must use his stick to defeat debecklow or whatever his name is

Debeckalow: fools! No mere stick can defeat me! (Locke hits him with Eko’s stick)

Dbeckalow: Oh fuck I was wrong (falls down dead)

Jack: Jon thank you for saving us. We always used to fight each other over the eternal question of faith vs reason and today we found out the answer . The answer being that Dbeckalow was a huge dick.

Sayid: The only problem is how are we getting off this island now?

(Just then a boat comes to the shore of the island and Desmond comes out) Desmond: Hey brother need some transportation brother?

Jack: Sure pal

Desmond: And just to entertain you all the cast of the Jersey Shore is here!!!

Mike The Situation: Yo I think we got a situation here.

(A few hours later Jack and Kate are walking on the beach)

Jack: You know Kate maybe one day we will be married

Kate: What should we name our kids??

Jack: If it’s a boy maybe we can call him Hurley, or Jin or how about Charlie?

Kate: Just don’t name him the smoke monster!

(Jack and Kate lol a lot and walk into the sunset )